"What? Really? I'm not girlfriend material though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well you know, I'm just...socially awkward."
"Yeah but, it's a quirk though. You're quirky."
"Um, it's a quirk yeah--until it isn't."
Sometimes, I'd always look at other girls and I'd wonder what it would be like to look so stunning.
Kpop idols are compared to flawless anime characters, Hollywood celebrities transform into international sex icons, and I look like just one of millions of Asian girls with glasses.
To me, it's always appeared like being physically hot gave someone so much privilege (followers, complements, status) to the point that it was like the pre-requisite for attractiveness.
Though, what my friend told me, plus some other things I learned I guess, are pushing me to think differently.
When she and I were conversing, she told me that my social awkwardness is attractive--which I thought at the time, was a bit of a stretch. De facto, professionals have noticed that I struggled with social interaction before I even starting schooling.
My dad, in particular, said to me:
"Well, you've always been very cautious. Why? Well, it's just in your nature."
And to be frank, I still struggle with accepting my awkwardness just the way it is.
Plus the media often doesn't promote demure people like me in hero roles, let's just say.
Frankly, I never thought something so distressing throughout my entire life and seen as limiting in pop culture, could be a delightful "quirk" in me; one similar to those peculiarly shaped chicken nuggets from McDonalds.
My friend's complement almost feels fake, intangible even.
Is my 'quirkiness' the real deal of hotness? Or am I just a mush of subpar chicken meat disguised in a crispy coating of whimsicality? What if I'm just one of those tragic cases of a girl subconsciously trying to be "not like other girls"?
To me, those excuses just seem all the more stupendously possible.
Like, is it really plausible to say that this panicked, tangled mess of anxiety I possess could bloom from a source that is genuinely beautiful?
Honestly, I have no answer to that.
I've only seen my life through a single story up until now that it's almost, just almost, unfathomable to think otherwise.
ฅU=ﻌ =Uฅ
While listening to this song:
You could look at.....the eyes of someone that you love (friend or otherwise)
You could be with.....well, this wonderful person of course~
You could do something.....what do you think makes them so special? Do you think they know how beautiful they are?
You could eat or drink.....I personally love Rice Krispies (cereal or snack). They're quite simple but the sound of them crackling makes me happy.
You could remember that.....beauty is extremely hard to define. I've never really thought that something I was so ashamed of, something I wanted to eradicate, could be seen as a type of beauty by someone else. Maybe you don't recognize this in yourself--but know that, yes, it is possible for something that you despise with a passion, to be seen as beautiful.
[image source: Mr. Sonjaya (Youtube) ] A story ~ Jantung Hati [ jantung hati means "apple of my eye"] Follow the one who walks where she may, Footprints behind shake off ash and gray. Polished pearls dazzle Parade, parade Umbrellas of red leaves, catch the rain. Apple of my eye Clipped from the branch. Roll on, roll on Slipping underneath, Shadows of a sheath, Ripely bruised from a beating. Talk, talk, talk. A harvest fresh to eat. Echo, echo. We can't choose our families, Walk, walk, walk. Unless we run from our mothers. The brightest halo is always kin, To the shadow under its cover. Roll over and over Soon it will be over. She's been through it once, And through it another. Abandoned, But free. Running through hues Of red leaves. The apple of my eye, Reconciling. 🍁 🍁 🍁 While listening to this song: You could look at..... red and orange leaves during autumn. You could be with..... a dear friend or relative who you know has been tested through the ups and downs...
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