☽ Riha

[image source: Genius]

A story ~ Riha

[Disclaimer: this song is not about friendship, but I think of my friends when I hear this song for some reason]

I know that very soon, I am going to lose a lot of my friends.

We are now all going our separate ways, and I know that I am going on my own way too. Some of us may never see each other again, or barely see each other again.

I can already see it coming.

To be honest, I think I take a very peculiar standing when it comes to my sociability. I like to hang out at the edges of the party of life instead of being in the middle of it--not being alone, but not quite with others either. This place is one of the hardest place to gain the most friends, as if one is not introverted enough to hang with the loners, nor are they extraverted enough to party with others. It is weird both liking human gatherings, yet not joining the gathering at the same time--kind of like I am observing it from the edge.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

I used to feel more ashamed than I do now about being this way. I loved seeing people connect with each other, and I wrote about it in blog posts, poems, stories and whatnot all the time--I have even dreamt about it--but I have never quite figured out how to master the art of connection just yet. I hated how I could never feel comfortable around people because I wanted to simultaneously get closer to them, but also run away from them at the same time. 

If I leaned towards becoming more introverted or extraverted, maybe I would be able to set my boundaries better and become more comfortable with having as little or as much social interaction as I liked--instead it has all just been a messy conundrum.

Nevertheless, with the typhoon of virtual mediums coming (already with live-streaming and now VR) I believe that even if I learn to connect with people now, it might fundamentally change in the future, so I only hope that I can adapt to that successfully. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I think most people exist in the middle of the spectrum of friend-maker to friend-evader, it's just most of us lean to one end or the other. Existing in the middle of the middle area is where I believe I am though. 

Honestly, it is hard to meet people who feel like I do, probably because we are both switching from the shadows to the spotlight so frequently that we miss each other. Well, except on a subreddit forum, that is. On Reddit, so many different types of people vent out their frustrations, including people like me.

Nonetheless, the overlying question is therefore, how will I cope once my friends are gone?

I feel that it will be a mix of sadness, gratefulness and longing. My high school friends are finally going to leave me, and I'm going to have to support myself. I'm going to have to go my own way, which is really scary, but it is what it is.

Time is, what it is.

Though, I don't think I want to change who I am. This awkward place that I believe I fill up is an interesting way to see the world through both the extraverted and introverted perspective. It is tricky oftentimes, but I hope that I can use it to my advantage. I only hope that when I grow up, I can find a nice little nook in this tumultuous social world where I can have a place where I can truly belong.

And maybe...my friends and I will meet sometime in the future once again.


¯\_(ツ)_/¯


While listening to this song:

You could look at.....a picture of an old friend you haven't spoken to for years.

You could be with.....anyone

You could do something.....who says you have to do anything right now? If you don't have to, you don't have to.

You could eat or drink.....have you ever tried rice pudding? I love rice pudding :)

You could remember that.....self-judgement is not the same as self-awareness.



Artist: Anuv Jain

[Secret Story of a Song]

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